Some Unemployment Offices Have Even Laid Off Employees

Well, my husband called from his cell phone three times in a row this morning before 11:30 which is his usual lunch break time and the only time that he calls from that phone.  I  had a sense of uneasiness.  I was thinking that maybe something had gone wrong with his lovely new heart.  I mean, for almost a year, he's had just a tiny bit of rejection or things that have gone wrong.  So, something was bound to happen, right?  Yes, something had happened, but it had nothing to do with his new heart.  Jeff's company laid off 35 people today and he was one of them.  Having had my fair share of trials and tribulations, I immediately went to the place of we'll-be-alright.  Because we will.  I've always known this.  And I especially embraced that notion when we were going through such hard times of sickness.  Then, knowing that I get that . . . . that since I know we'll be okay  . . . I went to the place of then-why-the-heck-are-we-facing-something-again-that-tests-us?  I mean come on!!!!  Are you kidding me?  I mean, we're already strong.  We started off our marriage learning to lean on each other and living in 5 states in 7 1/2 years while having two kids away from our families and we were okay.  Jeff was on his way to the Pentagon on 9/11 and when he finally came home after defending the capital . . .. after I had sat there wondering if he was alright. . .. when he finally made it back after wearing night-vision goggles and holding weapons looking over the Potomac River, he was covered in ash and smelled like smoke and we were okay.  When anthrax was circulating through our mail system that we shared with the white house, we were scared, but we were okay.  When the sniper went through D.C., no one was safe and the places were all completely random and when my child turned three during that, we went off of our base for the first time and literally ran in zig-zag lines through a parking lot to get him his birthday present and we were okay.  When Jeff would be gone for weeks on end and I was alone preparing for a hurricane with two small kids, we were okay.  When Jeff lost his his Air Force job because of his bad heart, we were okay.  When he lost his next job because he was constantly being hospitalized and was an unreliable employ, we were okay.  When he had his heart transplant, for crying out loud, we were okay!  In fact, we've been more than okay and have laughed about much of it and of course found blessings through it all.  I have never asked why.  Ever.  We've been okay.  We've trusted.  We've had to let go many, many times and just trust and have the faith that God would take care of us.  And that's where I was when he first told me.  I was sitting in faith.  But now, I'm just really angry.  I would never dare to ask, "what else?"  I know that things could be one hundred times worse and  I have those hundreds of different scenarios going through my head that are far worse than losing a measly, little job.   But really.  I get it, God!  I am thankful!  I feel blessed!  I trust!  I've learned to roll with the punches.  I've learned to never, ever complain about the weather.  I've learned to pick and chose when and with whom I spend time with and not to waste moments on things that don't really move me to happiness.  I get it.  My kids say prayers thanking God for coats and pillows and healthy bodies.  We realize the preciousness of just being here.  I'm just not too sure what I'm not getting.  Why?  I am now asking and wanting to know.  Why us?  What is it that we need to learn?  How much more stress do we deserve?  What gives?  Why did we have such stupid administrators of this country?  I'm so angry right now.  I'm sad and frightened.  I'm finally not okay.

ok, i'm feeling a bit pressured.  i'm not sure what can be written that anyone would want to read. when i was writing on caringbridge, it was useful information.  and if i happened to throw in a little something extra, then so be it.  but now, now i'm just feeling so much pressure to have something great show up on the page.  and really, what is there to discuss that hasn't already been exploited on blogspot.  i remember a friend saying to me once that it was impossible to write anything new . . .  a new song, a new story, a new movie, etc..  this really ticked me off.  this was an incredibly talented and creative person that sounded so jaded and disenchanted.  was there anything new?  had all of the loves had been written about?  there really have been a gazillion love stories . . . .teenage love, forbidden love, old-age love, pet love, money love, food love, patriotic love, jesus love, self love, and on and on and each of these have been written about in a gazillion different ways.  the other day i listened to gillian welch and her "one little song" discusses this very thing:

"there's gotta be a song left to sing.  'cause everybody can't of thought of everything.  one little song that ain't been sung.  one little rag that ain't been wrung out completely yet . .  .one little word that ain't been abused a thousand times in a thousand rhymes." 

so maybe there is.  you would think that waking up for the first time on valentine's day with a new heart, like my husband did, is a pretty unique situation.  but then when you really think about it, they've been doing heart transplants for 40 something years, i think, and he can't be the only person during that time to have had his during the love fest.  maybe it's rare, but how rare is it?  

i don't know.  maybe there isn't anything new to say.  

09

Happy New Year!!!

We had more than anyone could imagine to be thankful for in '08!

The resolution that I want all of my friends to keep is simple.

Make today special.  Wear your best perfume.  Drink the good wine.

Don't wait.  This is your day.  

A new year is right around the corner.  For me, New Year's day is also my birthday.  So when other people are making their resolutions, I do a total life-evaluation.  It has always been a turning point in my life.  I always feel like I get to make more of  a fresh start than others.  The resolution that I always make is: I will write more.  

So, let's back up and have a little Crystal writing history.  I remember loving the creative writing exercises in grade school.  My mother still has plenty of material written by her little genius.  Those were fun, but one of my favorite memories is writing poetry outside at a really young age.  It was all very dramatic . . . . I would sit under the stars, light candles, and tears would literally fall onto the paper as I poured my heart out about the love of my life.  If that boy could've seen how much I loved him, the writing probably would've stopped before I turned 11.  But he didn't see so the writing continued.  I still have plenty of those poems too and  some still have wax drippings on them.  I continued to write from time to time and felt particularly empowered my senior year of high school when I started receiving the highest grades in English class at my Catholic high school.  I would write about the injustices of the world.  I think I came out of the womb feeling more intensely than my peers because I was often saddened by so many things and used writing to express those extreme emotions.  It was during one of these writing experiences on Animal Cruelty that I stopped eating meat.  I wasn't against meat, but I couldn't participate in the meat industry as I knew it.  Sixteen years later, I still feel the same.  All of this because of writing.  By the time college rolled around, I was writing more than ever, but just in journals.  On two occasions, I actually read aloud something that I wrote, but only because it was a class requirement.  Those two things . . . . each 4 years apart . . . .were so hard to read and they were not that good.  Yet, those two things got so much reaction from people.  The first was about a friend who died.  It was a really simple poem  written in seconds.  Everyone told me how honest it was and how much they loved it.  I had a well-read and well-written boyfriend that really enjoyed it and that was empowering.  The second was a little piece on my grandmother and it received the same reaction.  So, that was all of the sharing that I ever participated in.  The rest of it stayed in the journals.  Then my husband got sick and when we found out he needed a heart transplant, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to continue to repeat myself 20 times a day during phone conversations so I started updating on a medical site.  People could enter their email address and when something happened, I could type it in and everyone got the info.  This all seemed to spiral too.  These entries were particularly rushed and mainly just informative, but they also sparked interest.  The words I heard repeated over and over to describe my writing were raw, honest, real, emotional.   To me this meant that my writing was just simple and that I didn't have enough of a vocabulary to be anything more than raw.  But people enjoyed it.  Weekly and often daily, someone would approach me or my husband and tell me that I should write.  So, here I am.  Maybe this will keep me committed to my resolution.  I enjoy it.  I really don't think any of it is worth reading, but whatever.  I'll probably repeat myself from time to time . . . .especially concerning the successful heart transplant my man had last February . . . . that was and continues to be a major source of inspiration.  And it probably won't be as touching as the medical site caringbridge was, but this is what I've got.  If you're interested, subscribe and stay posted.  Oh, and I'll just go ahead and apologize for all of the grammatical errors.  I'm sure there are plenty of corrections that need to be made and will continue to be made, but I'm sure I'll barely have time to write . . . .much less have someone smart review this.  Cheers!  

Peace and Love, Crystal

well, here it is.  my first blog.  i feel silly putting things on the internet for complete strangers to read, but the universe has been shouting at me to write for a long time now . . ..  .so, here i go.  this will be my start.  this will be the place where i condition myself and begin training. i will do it everyday just to get in the habit.

happy reading!