settin it free

it's been so hard to think about blogging lately. well, thinking about it hasn't been hard, but bringing myself to do it has seemed like a daunting task. the reason the crystal code has seemed like such a difficult place where i haven't felt like visiting lately is because i have been through so many changes over the last few months and i really hate admitting to the world how flawed i am. most of you that know me, don't really know me. it has taken my friends sometimes years to even begin to get an insight as to what kind of person i really am. i just grew up in an incredibly private family and we always kept our cards close to our chest. we all still do for the most part. my parents will have been moved into a new home for several weeks before i even know that they've left their old one. my brother had brought his baby girl home before we even knew that an adoption had gone through. i think we kids were never taught to be that way, but it was just understood that it was easier to not tell everyone your business. that way, if something doesn't work out, no one has to know. and plus, there are so many snakes out in the world, you never know who might use your information against you. so, i've been hiding under the proverbial rock afraid to admit to the world something really simple. i am going through a divorce. there, i said it. and the crazy part is that half of or most of you already know. and when i told all of you, a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders. there is something so freeing about being honest and showing your true colors. i don't know why i've been afraid to just write it here on the public blog, but i guess it's just out of fear of disappointing the people i know. and it's true that when you start telling people who you really are, when you show them your authentic self, half of the people won't like it. and that happened to me almost immediately. i lost so many connections with people. at first, it almost angered me because i was still me, i just wasn't a part of that couple any more. and part of it, i understand. i mean, the couples' dinners might make everyone feel a little awkward with just one single chic at the table. so that was fine . . .i'm not in a couple, so i don't get to go to couples' events . . . .even the ones at church. but then there were friends that just couldn't really relate to me anyone because they were still trucking along in their normal life and then here comes this weirdo, that used to appear normal, with all sorts of shit suddenly out of balance and upside down. so my phone stopped ringing and the invitations were cut. that was a really sad moment when i realized that people didn't like me for me, but for my place in the world . ..as a wife. and as usual i will defend those people by saying that everyone was in shock when we told them that jeff was moving out. just like everything else, no one knew what was happening in our marriage. so in their defense, i'm going to assume that maybe some of those people just didn't know how to deal with our news because they didn't understand it.

but the beauty of losing some, is that you get to find out who the real gems are in your life because the ones that don't leave, the ones that stick around despite your bearing of true colors are the only ones that matter anyway. so that realization quickly made me feel stronger and happier! i mean how many of you are lucky enough to find out who your true friends are? that's a real blessing. and when you start saying outloud your truth . . . i'm going through a divorce. my marriage didn't last forever. . . . your steps become lighter and life becomes sunnier. there's nothing better than setting your truth free.

so blog readers, i'm back. i'll be giving you all sorts of dirty laundry! i hope that you like it. and i hope that you'll still like me! because this is me . . .i'm a woman that is flawed . . .but i am true and authentic . . .i have a heart of gold and will open it up honestly for you to see.

xox,

c